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Friday, July 30, 2010

What to do when he doesn't call

Our resident dating experts Kevin Darling and Christine Rose give a male and female view on your dating dilemmas.…

Dear Lady and The Scamp,

I met a charming guy online and we've had three wonderful dates. We didn't kiss on the first date, but snogged on the second and third. I have really fallen for the guy, but he is not forthcoming about how he feels. He doesn't call or send texts as much as I would want. When I call, he doesn't answer. At the same time I think he is genuine. How do I let him know I have intense feelings without sounding desperate?


Kevin says:
Well, frankly it sounds like you are desperate, so this could be tricky. My advice is to put your phone down and stop texting for a second, take a deep breath and listen up…

You need to stop acting mental, or you will scare this dream man away.

I know you're not really mental (probably) but think about how you are coming across.

Imagine if you found a cute little bird in your garden, like a robin. It would be tempting to go out there poking around his nest and trying to cuddle him and smelling his eggs. But he would probably get freaked out and leave and you'd never get to see those little robin chicks hatch.

I don't know if this is a good analogy for you as you might not like birds or even have a garden (or if male robins look after eggs) but basically, the same applies to men. You can be nice to him, but you also need to give him some space.

Not only will your clinginess alarm him, it will also make him start taking you for granted. He won't feel the need to reply to a text if he knows another one will arrive 30 minutes later.

It's lovely that you've met someone you like. But he isn't your boyfriend yet. If you want him to be, you need to be cleverer and exercise some self-restraint, even if it’s against your instincts.

You say he doesn’t call or text 'as much as you would want.' What are you expecting then?
You’ve probably spent less than 24 hours in this geezer’s company, so just be patient.

Keep going on dates, cook him dinner, whatever. And by all means tell him you like him. But if it looks like he wants to take it easy, perhaps wait a bit before revealing the "intensity" of your feelings. Otherwise, he might fly the nest and your eggs will get cold.

Christine says:
It’s been three dates. I’ve spent more time than that with my postman and we’ve never met. It’s tempting to say: ‘Calm down dear, you’re one step away from hiding in his garden with his pet rabbit in a casserole dish,’ but people do have different emotional needs. While one person might be fine with a cup of tea and a firm handshake, some people might need a bit more than that on their honeymoon.

You could argue that he has met up with you three times so he must like you, but it can be frustrating when you're feeling passionate and the other person is giving you the emotional connection of a yoghurt. Unfortunately, there is a certain type of man that likes expressing his feelings as much as he likes being at a scented candle sale at Ann Diamond’s house during the World Cup Final.

However, you don’t know him well enough to ascertain this in three dates. He might just be being cautious so stop charging on ahead and give him some time to catch up. There’s nothing wrong with making him miss you a bit, so tell him you really like him, then lay off the 200 texts a day, stop baking cakes with his face on and wait for him to come to you.

If he thinks you’ve had a better offer it might make him sit up and take notice. In short, chillax and enjoy getting to know someone before you start booking the church.

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